Before this year, I was certain the only way I could run out of my eating disorder was by running off the ends of the earth.
And maybe this sounds really cliché but I think, before this year, I spent my life trying to do just that- wished my hands into things that would hurdle me over bridges, wished my body into a house on fire.
On October 23rd of 2017, I was admitted to a residential facility for the treatment of my eating disorder- Anorexia Nervosa. This day, however, did not come without its own obstacles. In the days leading up to this particular date, I remember I had a dietician appointment. It was a Friday, I believe, and on that morning, I remember needing to call out of work as I could hardly even stand up in my shower long enough to get my hair wet. I remember shutting the water off and sitting in the corner of my bathtub- somehow, both above water and beneath it. I didn’t make it to work that day, however, I did still make it to my appointment. I remember her room, I remember her lights, I remember something about my heart. I remember the emergency room. And it was that emergency room visit along with a series of interventions that followed that finally led me to seek a higher level of care.
I think, sometimes, I still get scared. Sometimes, I’m still afraid of falling asleep out of fear that I may wake up forgetting why I’m choosing to do the hard things. Sometimes, that fear of being swallowed whole again keeps me up until sun rise.
But I think the difference between now and then is that I’m now far more interested in protecting my spirit- in filling myself with a kind of love that serves me better, nourishes me better; a kind of love that does not leave me feeling hungry. As I explore my truth more in this new beginning, I feel a yearning to share more love, do less harm, step fully and deeply into myself- into my center. I now feel far more capable of allowing myself to utilize my body as a vessel to catapult me into the light I’ve spent my entire life wishing I could live in. I am soul, not body- I am soul, not body. This is now my truth.
Written By: Alexis O.