Last week, I watched the ball drop while curled up on my plush living room armchair, sipping sparkling grape juice from a champagne flute, bargaining with my eyelids to stay open. I was ready to see 2018 come to a close. Last year brought joy and also pain. In the last 12 months I made a major career change, lived the busy life of a working mom and became pregnant with my second baby. Like you, I overcame painful obstacles and navigated some uncomfortable situations. I laughed, I cried, I did all the life things. I also worked on my recovery every day, managing anxiety and depression, seeking connection instead of perfection and practicing balanced behaviors. It was exhausting. And it was beautiful....
The thing I have realised with recovery is that people can help you and support you, but only you can make the decision to be okay. I probably sat through about a year and a half of counselling, but didn’t truly take on what we were saying in the appointments because deep down I was still clinging to my eating disorder as a form of identity. I knew that I didn’t want to continue living with it, but equally I couldn’t quite let it go. Because I hadn’t 100% put myself in the mindset for healing, I was stuck in limbo of not being quite as ill as I used to be, but equally not free from an eating disorder either...
sitting across a wall of books
hundreds of stories
thousands, millions of words - each written with purpose
i imagine the creators sitting in coffee shops, secluded offices, the wilderness
pouring their minds energy into these words
knowing not every person would make the effort to consume their product
knowing some would retort with criticism and hate
and they wrote anyways...
Yoga entered my life in college when I was struggling with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, negative body image, and an eating disorder. Though the awareness of my anxiety and depression only came years later - at the time I thought I was just a huge freak who couldn't get my shit together while everyone else seemed perfectly happy.
The year my eating disorder was at its worst - my sophomore year of college - I started attending yoga at a small studio in town. Weeks would pass where each time I arrived on my mat, I would cry. I didn’t know why or where the feelings were coming from, I just had a knowing feeling I needed to let them out - AND, for the first time, I felt safe to let them out.
Instead of numbing my feelings - a practice I had grown accustomed to for most of my life - I let my feelings flow out of me within the confines of a safe space of my incredible teacher and fellow students.
Several months into my practice (and still well into my eating disorder) I had an epiphany. I recognized the harm I was causing my body, mind, and soul through my eating disorder behaviors and thought patterns.
It was during this epiphany that I received a message that I can only attribute to a higher power.
The message was clear. The message was that I needed to stop. And I needed to begin my healing process.
It wasn’t a quick turn around but I steadily progressed toward recovery. I began to tell people about my ED. I began to enlist the support of friends and professionals. And I committed to my yoga practice - for it was this practice that guided me toward my epiphany and my awareness of a higher power.
You see, it wasn’t learning cool poses in yoga that got me healthy. (Although the learning of cool poses was certainly fun and made me realize how physically and mentally strong I really was.)
It was the understanding and awareness that I was a part of something greater than myself. At the time (almost 15 years ago) I had no idea what this “something greater” was.
I still don’t know FOR SURE. But I trust and have faith that it was and is a higher power, the universe, source, God, nature - whatever you want to call it.
I recognized that there was something truly divine within me and that this divinity connected me to all other human beings and living things on the planet. I acknowledged that if I continued on the path of self-destruction, this divinity (or, we could call it “light”) was never going to shine.
I knew I had to make some big changes if I was to fulfill my purpose on this earth and truly live out the gifts I was born with.
And those changes started with getting better and choosing recovery.
Today, 15 years later, my spiritual practice and commitment to myself and The Universe / God / The Divine is stronger than ever. It is a practice I engage in not just on my yoga mat, but as often as I can in my everyday interactions with other people and with myself.
My practice exists in examining the way I speak to and treat myself. Am I choosing thoughts that are supportive, loving, and nurturing? Or am I choosing thoughts that are self-deprecating, damaging, and harmful to my body, mind, and soul?
I know I have this choice and I get to make it every single moment of every single day.
I am in my spiritual practice when I am aware of this choice and chose to engage in thoughts and behaviors that are from a loving source.
That doesn’t mean it’s always easy. And to this day I still get triggered.
When I get triggered I acknowledge the pain and instead of numbing through self-harm, I allow myself to feel all the emotions stream through me. Then I will make a choice of action that is rooted in love. Love for myself. Love for others. Love for the divine.
I think people are mislead and believe that spirituality means a constant flow of butterflies and rainbows. While there is definitely an uptick of butterflies and rainbows in my life, there is also darkness.
It is when we try to ignore, suppress and numb our darkness that we can get into trouble.
My advice? Feel your feelings and ask for help. Make sure you have people you can turn to - including friends AND professionals - whom you trust with your whole heart to hold space for you. Eventually, you will learn to hold this space for yourself and it will empower you to continue on your path of recovery.
Remember, it is a choice we get to make every day. May you always chose the path of love, even when it may be the more difficult decision.
Written by: Maggie Converse
Maggie is a holistic health and intuitive coach, a yoga & meditation teacher for recovery from eating disorders and substance abuse, and a guide for individuals carving out their unique spiritual journeys to find inner peace and healing. Maggie is 12 years in recovery from her eating disorder. When she's not writing, teaching, or coaching she loves to spend time outside with her dog or taking a road trip exploring this big beautiful world! If you're interested in a consultation with Maggie, please visit: http://www.maggieconversemethod.com/connect-1/
Emily Estes lives in Lincoln, Nebraska with her Goldendoodle pup, Miss Adley Mae. Recovery from her own struggle with an eating disorder, anxiety, and depression has led Emily to create community and resources to empower others on the journey. Emily owns Sage Nutrition, LLC where she serves as a Registered Dietitian. Her work revolves around her motto that "food is meant to nourish our bodies, not nurture us."